Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
