I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
