i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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