pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
