Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
