Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
