I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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