He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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