I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
