i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He passed out mid-signature
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
