Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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