Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
