my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
