I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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