awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
