I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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