I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
