Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
