Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
