You're completely useless in the revolution.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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