i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
