the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
