I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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