fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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