her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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