when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
