just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
