Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
