My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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