Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
