I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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