I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
