i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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