So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
