im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
