cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
