I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
