Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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