i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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