i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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