I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
