Duck Duck Cougar?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
