When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I don't deserve a penis
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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