Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
