glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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