I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i need to put some appletini on your dick
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
