Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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