That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There's always time for handjobs
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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