**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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