my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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