He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
