I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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