How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
